You’re Cooking Your Turkey Wrong!

This is episode number 167 of The Homeowner Show. Whether you're DIY or looking to hire, we're here to help you find the best information and options for you and your home. My name is Kevin Hackett, and here with me is Craig Williams.

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to The Homeowner Show. We're so glad that you can join us for another episode of The Homeowner Show here in our own Studios, which is the envy of the podcasting world.

Really?

Absolutely.

Like, okay. Who is envious?

I can't do it. I can't reveal names.

Okay.

We gotta protect the innocent.

Are there, are there a, is there a type of person that's envious? Like, what's the name?

Podcasters. Okay. Yes.

Just in general, the podcaster world.

Yeah. Everybody but Rogan.

Well, yep. He is, he's, He needs not be jealous of anything.

So his studio is like right here, and then it's us, and then everybody else. Oh, yep.

Perfect.

Yeah.

Well, I don't— I mean, most people just don't.

And he's up here in order to keep us humble.

Well, yeah. I just don't think most people actually have a studio, right?

Let's be honest. Most podcasters have a broom closet.

Well, that's where we started out.

Their co-host is a mop. I mean, I mean, we literally were recording out of your living room. That's—

yeah.

When we got started, we were in the living room.

Almost your bedroom even. Like, we were real close to—

Occasionally, those 2 things collided.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I can't tell you— if you go back to early episodes, you'll probably never notice.

Don't do it. But, yeah.

But, like, there were many times where you're like, get out of here.

Go.

We're recording an episode. You know?

When they still like to— like, the kids still like to come out here because they're like, I wanna be on the show.

Yeah.

Get out of here.

Hey. No. No. No. You're— unless you have a homeowner tip.

That's right.

You don't.

And they don't.

They don't.

If you want to know how to mess up a room really, really quick, that's their show. Yep. Yep. How to Furiate Home Cleaners and Mothers Everywhere.

That's true. Now we do have to deal with the occasional, like, horses, like, turning around and, like, ramming into the side of the building.

That will happen occasionally. The The smart Aussie will open the door.

Yes.

And let both of them in. Yeah. Most of the time you guys don't even know that's going on.

No.

Kevin will go into some sort of soliloquy and I'll go over and either shoo the dogs or shut the door and just let them lay down in here.

Right. All the times whenever you're like, what is he talking about and why is he droning on like he is? That's just because something weird happened.

Something, something weird happened. It's actually easier when we have a guest too, because y'all can keep talking and I can go out there and spank somebody.

Yeah.

Who's, you know, behaving inappropriately.

Yeah, I don't know, man. I— so why do you think that they're— that we have the— I mean, again, we, we have a very nice setup here, right? Yeah, we— you've been very gracious to create this space, all that kind of stuff. But where did you learn that we are the envy? Like, who Who is saying this to you?

Oh, just, I mean, honestly, just by talking to other podcasters, networking with other podcasters in different, like, I don't know if you guys realize this, but there are actually Facebook groups just for podcasters.

Sure.

So, I mean, like, when you, when you talk to some of these people and you, you realize how they're doing their production, I mean, some people don't really even have, like, a space. They're just, like, finding a coffee shop to sit down and have a conversation sometimes. Or they're doing exclusively over Zoom from, like, their office. Yeah. Or something. And so it's difficult for them to even have equipment permanently set up, right? Like you and I, we come in here and like everything's plugged in, we're ready to go. Like it doesn't really take us any time to get— I mean, like, you know, and it's just here, right? And this is just the space. And most, like, I would venture

to say just based off the number of people that I've talked to, that like 85% of all podcasters, which, you know, there's 2 million of us now.

Sure.

You know, don't have anything remotely close to this.

I would, I would bet that the number is higher than that.

And the ones that do are rather elite. Yeah.

Did you know that 86% of all statistics are made up?

Sure. Like the one I just gave.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah.

Just saying. But no, I bet you're right. And it is really nice. I will tell you this, though. The number of minutes that transpire from the moment I get here to the moment we actually start recording You could have like—

we could have like 5 podcasts.

Most of the time. But, but it's not because we're setting anything up. Yeah.

Because we start talking. Yeah, we just hang out. This is the hangout place for us, right?

You wonder sometimes how Craig gets to be 2 Bourbon Craig. It's because before— before what?

I'm not thirsty.

That's right. There was before Bourbon Craig, then there's one Bourbon Craig, and then eventually 2 Bourbon Craig winds up Recording an episode.

Listen, if all y'all had to sit in this room with Kevin for 4 hours—

4 hours. I will say that there's many times when Kimberly, my wife, will be like, I know you're not coming home before midnight. So probably not.

Not tonight, sweetheart.

Not. Yeah.

So anyway, let's take care of business.

Okay, let's do it.

Who's sponsoring the show this week, Kev?

Well, uh, our good friends over at Sustained Growth Solutions are sponsoring the podcast this week again.

Love those guys.

Yeah, so Sustained Growth, um, realizes that there are a lot of businesses out there that are trying to grow, trying to increase the— their, their traffic and get more jobs and, and get more leads. But unfortunately, there's a lot of, uh, crooked companies out there that don't do a very good job of helping you, even though they say they will. All right, so, uh, Sustained Growth Solutions has come up with a completely different way to do that. They send exclusive leads to one company. They completely build out a lead generation system that fits exactly the market that you're trying to target. And in doing so, uh, they partner just with you. And so exclusive leads come straight to you, nobody else.

It's a new cool way Um, and really, really effective way to get leads. So, uh, shoot them an email at info@sustainedgrowthsolutions.com and they will hook you up. Nice.

This episode of The Homeowner Show is also brought to you by TermiSave. TermiSave is the only termite residential warranty company in the United States that we know of. Um, and if they're, if they're not the only one, they're definitely the best one. Yeah. Termites cause Massive amounts of damage or can cause massive amounts of damage on your home. And I got to tell you, it's one of the things I fear the most. I am constantly scared of termites chewing the wood in my house and that it just collapses in on top of me.

Really?

Yes.

Like, this is like a legitimate fear?

It's a legitimate fear.

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Cool.

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Sure.

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I love it.

So, Kev, I did something that was extremely therapeutic today.

Okay.

And I hated every minute of it.

But, but you got satisfaction.

I did.

But it was not fun.

No, I hated it. It was the worst. And I think, I think everyone will, like, agree with me Immediately and go, no, I'm not willing to do that because I wasn't willing to do it until my wife would just shut up, stop complaining, and just take care of this.

And at that point, you're like, I'm stubborn. I'm going to show you that I will.

That's right.

What was it?

I purged my email list.

What? Yes.

So okay, I went through.

Let me ask you. I've done. Okay, go ahead.

Every single spammy email, and I get about 100 a day.

You unsubscribe to all of them?

I unsubscribe to every single freaking one of them. You're going to be.

Like a whole new person.

I am the hero of the internet today.

Yeah.

So, so here's my question.

Are you, are you 13,456, um, unread email Craig? Or are you, um, like 150 unread email Craig?

Daily?

No, like, you know, the little, the little number that pops up on the, on the icon.

So Uh, once it gets to be about 400, I freak out.

Okay. That's— yeah.

I go into, I go into full panic mode.

Okay.

Um, because I can't keep up at that point.

Right. And so what do you do? Like, how did— what is your process at that point?

Well, I typically do it on my phone and I'll, uh, you know, I have an iPhone and so I'll hit the edit button and I'll go through and I'll tap the dot on all the ones that I don't want to read.

you realize that you can like just scroll, right?

I know, but I have to go through and read every single one.

Okay.

Because I like, I have weird emails that come through that are sometimes leads and sometimes different things like that. And so like, I have to, like, I have to check each single one, right? And to make sure that I'm not missing something or that someone's not, because I get a lot of questions.

Okay.

And different things. And I don't want to not respond to somebody. Yeah, I know. I realized that was a double negative, but I don't care.

Yeah.

Everyone knew what I was talking about.

So you do want to respond?

I do want to respond. But I, it wasn't as eloquent as I don't not wanna respond.

Was it?

Yes.

Okay. All right. So, cuz, cuz I know some people, uh-huh, that like, they'll show me their, their number and it's almost like a point of pride for them.

And I'm like, those people are stupid.

And I'm, I'm like, you, yes, I agree. Cuz I'm like, you, why do you even have an email account? What do you, what you're saying to me is the worst possible thing I could do would be email you. That's the worst thing that I could do.

Like, so we're not going to talk?

No, we're not going to talk. No, it's not going to happen because that's the only way you're going to get information from me is from an email. I know you're not going to see it. In fact, I'm just going to spam it anyway. Yeah, I'm going to do it so that you have, you know, 13,458 now. I don't know what number I used the first time, so I don't know if that's accurate or not.

Both were a lot.

Both were— they started with 13,000.

Yeah.

And I do know a couple of people that that's in the realm of where their number is. And I'm like, you are nuts.

Yeah. Those are cold-hearted, evil people. Yeah. Like, I mean, like, how can— like, I'm sorry. I mean, like, 13,000. I mean, like, at that point it's like, all right, I'm just going to shut it all down.

You need to start over.

You start over.

Exactly. That's what I was going to say.

Just start over. It's not worth it.

No, no.

It's like, just reach out to the people that you know and love and like, look, It got out of hand.

Yeah. So here, I don't know what I did, but I didn't, I didn't respond.

I didn't delete. I didn't purge. I had to shut her down.

Shut her down. Here, before you do that, if you, if you're one of those people that needs to, that needs to, to get rid of your email address and start over, here's what I want you to do. Send me a message. I don't care if it's an email. text, send it through the homeowner Facebook, whatever. I don't care. Send me a message. Just give me the rights to your email address because I can use it. A seasoned old email address would be perfect for a couple things that I need. Okay, send it to me and I will get rid of all those emails for you.

You know, we could be missing out on a good business opportunity.

I mean, like, it's true.

I wonder how much somebody would be willing to pay For us to purge that.

It's really easy. There's like this select— No.

Don't give it away.

No.

It's too easy. No. Because— no. It's, it's not too easy because— Because they need to keep some of them.

At this point, there's the point.

There are 13,000 emails in the hole. They, they need to keep a few of them. Look. If we were to say, I will purge that for $150. Do you think they would pay it?

I don't know. It depends on how prideful they are of that number.

I, you know, I don't know. I'd do it for $150.

Well, I wouldn't. You know how long it'd take to go through all those?

Because they're gonna just keep sending.

He said it was so easy. It's simple to get rid of every one of them.

Uh-huh.

It's not so easy to get rid of just the— well, I don't know, you might be— I might— yes, $150.

There you go, guys. If you need this done, Kevin will take care of it for you for $150. Just email him at kevin@thehomeownersshow.com. That's right.

To get you set up.

And I will only take a small commission.

That's right. I'll give you 10%.

Okay.

And if you know, if it's one of those deals where you just need to start over, seriously, send me your email. I will take over and spam the hell out of that thing.

Yeah, I will.

Yep. I think I can use it.

That's right. I will sign up for all the things.

All the things. Yes. You have an email address? Why, yes, I do. Oh man.

Oh, well, this conversation is for the birds. He's laughing because he knows the lead-in.

I know exactly where we're going.

Yep. So what do we got for him today, Kev?

Well, we're going to talk about how you're cooking your turkey wrong.

Cooking the bird. Yeah.

Not flipping the bird.

Well, that is not—

you would probably—

Thanksgiving is not the occasion to be using that particular hand gesture.

Well, it depends on who your family members are.

That's right.

And honestly, I, I don't know of any of these methods that we're going to talk about that you need to flip a bird. It's not like a burger.

Uh, no, there's one method on here where we're gonna have to flip the bird.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

So here's the deal. We're gonna give you all of the ways—

Yes.

That you can possibly cook a turkey, minus one, because it's so stupid we're not even gonna talk about it, right?

Yes.

But beyond that, we're going to talk about a lot of different ways. that you could be cooking your turkey. And I can guarantee you, if there's one of these that you're using, I promise you're doing it wrong.

Yep.

There's at least one, probably two.

We got 16 of them.

There's actually— no, that's true, there are 16.

However, there's 15 and then subsection A and B of each one because the list bothers us.

Yeah, the list bothers us. But here's the thing, there are 3 of them that I can tell you right out. Please don't do that, right?

So, but let's get into the list, and I'm obviously not going to have any sort of opinion.

No, you never have an opinion.

Yeah.

Okay, well, let's, let's talk about, um, where do you want to start, man?

Well, that's number 1.

Okay, dry brining. Dry brining.

Have you ever done this?

I have never dry brined anything.

Do you even know what it is?

I don't. Okay, please explain. So because I've only wet brined.

So, well, let me, let me just say this. And I, I, there's, there's 2 different methods for brining. There's dry brining and wet brining.

Yeah.

Dry brining is basically when you coat the exterior of the turkey with salt and other herbs.

Okay. I think I may have done this one time now that I think about it. But What? Okay, what's the— what does it do? Why do you do this?

It basically flavors the turkey.

Yeah.

And it also allows you to get a much crispier skin.

Okay, so do you, do you do this the day before? 2 days before?

You can probably do it up to 2 days before. Okay. But basically, you let it sit sort of open air with the salt and the other herbs on the exterior of the turkey. So it's sort of open air chilled. Brined with the seasonings.

So you put the seasoning on it, right? Shove it in the refrigerator. No foil, no wrapping. Just leave it there. Don't touch it. Don't let your kids touch it.

So the way, the way I would describe this is it's almost like searing a steak.

Okay. Yeah.

Is essentially what you're, you're creating a moisture barrier to prevent this, the moisture from leaving the turkey as you cook it.

Got it. Okay.

So it's, it can be really, really tasty.

Okay.

So, so as opposed to the other method, and so typically the way people do it is they dry brine and then they roast in the oven.

Yeah.

Okay. And so then the second method would be a wet brine.

Right.

And, and that can really be a multitude of flavors.

Yeah, you can do— you can put a lot of different things in a wet brine, right?

Yes.

Yeah.

So, and I will, I will tell you guys the way that I tip— I, I almost always wet brine my turkey.

Yeah.

I usually do it for at minimum 24 hours.

Right.

And I usually do a sweet tea brine. So I like, I like to do like some Lipton.

Okay.

With some brown sugar. Hello. And Chipotle peppers.

Oh, come on.

Salt and pepper.

Yep. Lemon.

Yeah. So, and sometimes I'll throw in some other herbs like rosemary.

I was gonna ask what a— you're an herb guy. So yeah, you love rosemary.

I love rosemary.

I don't, by the way. I don't know why. It's a— it's got a—

It's a very particular flavor.

It's got a twang to it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Um, I really like— I really like rosemary, oregano.

It's like Conway Twitty.

Rosemary is like Conway Twitty.

A little bit of a twang.

Okay. So yeah, that's, that's typically the way I'll go. Maybe like some, some roasted garlic in the brine. But I like doing a sweet tea brine.

Okay.

Like, like, what do you call them? Those tea packets?

Is that what? Yeah.

Tea bags.

Yeah.

Tea bags with brown sugar.

You're tea bagging it.

That's always part of my brine.

You're teabagging your turkey.

Teabagging the turkey.

Okay, so, so, uh, so you're making a sweet tea like, like McDonald's sweet tea? Or are we talking about like a— no, it's like sugar in there.

What, brown sugar?

You're using the brown sugar?

Yes.

I've never made brown sugar sweet tea.

Yeah.

I should.

Well, I don't know that it would be good for like drinking tea, but for turkey tea, turkey tea, it's fantastic.

Good. All right.

It's good to go.

Yeah.

So yeah, and it's typically like a warm water. I find it best to like brine a turkey in a cooler so it keeps the temperature nice and even. But that's, that's just me.

Yeah.

But you can— there's lots of different ways to brine a turkey.

Sure. But you need to brine your turkey.

Yes.

Yeah. Don't just try to cook this thing without a brine.

Like anyone that roasts their turkey, which by the way is the next cooking method.

Which is one of the wrong ones.

If you're, if you're roasting your turkey, Like, there's, there's no reason not to brine your turkey, right? I don't understand why you wouldn't brine the turkey. Like, unless you just like, for whatever reason, you need to justify there being gravy on the table. You know, because that's gonna moisten your turkey because your turkey's too dry. You know, like, but like, why not just have a magnificent bird and brine the booger?

I'll tell you, I— let me just put this out there. I don't like turkey very much because the turkey that I have typically had has been terrible, right? Because someone didn't brine it to begin with.

Yes.

And they shoved it in the oven for like 48 hours, and then they're like, try my delicious turkey. And I'm like, you haven't given me delicious turkey, you've given me dried out crap.

Yep.

Right? And it's disgusting.

Yep.

Please don't give me that. Right? The brine changes everything.

Yep.

I mean, you can— I don't prefer roasted turkey.

Mm-hmm.

And most of the times because it comes out too dry. The right brine can help.

Oh, yeah.

But I still think there's better ways to cook turkey.

Well, so there are reasons, and I will tell you my favorite way to do it is roasting.

Okay.

And there's a reason.

Well, here's the thing. I've never tried something that you've made that I didn't enjoy.

Ever.

Either I hadn't had enough of your things, or you're just really good. And I think it's the second one. But that to be said, I'm gonna have to try your regular roasted turkey because I— that is one of my— is one of my least favorite ways. Because some of the things in the list I didn't know existed.

That's fair. Okay, that's fair.

And I will make a distinction.

So like there's a reason I think roasting the turkey is the best way to go. Okay. One, I— so let's just go into it. So number 3 is roasting.

Yes.

Roasting the turkey. And so like you can roast a turkey without brining it. Okay. It, you know, from both of us comes highly unrecommended.

Yeah, right.

Don't do it.

Please don't.

It's just going to be dry and weird. And, you know, like even because like even because you have to get like the breast and the legs and the thighs to like a certain temperature, it's going to make all those little smaller turkey parts extremely dried out.

Yep.

And just in general, the turkey, because it doesn't have a lot of fat to start with, it's just not going to be that moist and juicy and enjoyable anyway.

So one thing to know, H-E-B, I walked in there today, they have a pre-brined turkey. They have pre-brined turkey. I saw that. And I don't— I didn't look at the price.

I was immediately suspicious.

Well, okay, I get it. If you're lazy, that's fine.

Yeah.

But there's so— there's so many things that H-E-B does like that. Like they preseason things. Yes. So convenient.

Oh, absolutely.

So yeah.

Anyway, if you don't have the time to do it, you know, yeah.

It was obviously a dry brine.

Yeah. Yeah. So, and like, if you can't do it, let them do it for you. That's fine.

Yep.

But so here's, here's my big takeaway with roasting the turkey.

Okay.

It's the only way, and I think it's the only way on this list. Let me just double check real quick. Ba ba ba ba ba. It depends on how you do one of them.

Depends on—

well, maybe that one.

We can, we can modify our answer in a minute. So if we need to, right?

Um, hang on, I'm checking. So like, there's 3 other methods where this might not be— it might not be the only way, but to me it's the best way.

Okay.

It's the only way to get really good drippings.

Mm, okay, okay.

To make really, really good gravy.

Gravy. Yes, you, you have to. Yeah, because With some of my favorite ways, you just don't get them at all.

No.

Because it's just not available.

Right.

And I—

so, and I'll make this distinction. It's, it's the only way to get good drippings in order to make gravy. So I think it's the best compromise between both worlds. I don't think it's the best tasting turkey.

Oh, okay.

If that, if that helps.

Fair enough. Fair enough. Um, I could do without the drippings.

So if you can do without the drippings, I mean, that's fine. I love turkey gravy.

Oh yeah, especially like on top of some good stuffing. Yeah, really, really good.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

So, uh, number 4, spatchcocked.

Yeah, I— that's a word that I don't know. I, I've never— I don't really— I feel like I was probably called this at one point. You were called spatchcocked, but I don't really know what it means, so you're gonna have to, uh, Enlighten me here.

Basically, you use it. It's a, it's a phrase that you use for any kind of fowl that you cook. Okay. So you split the bird along the backbone and then split it along the breast.

Okay, so, so it lays out flat.

It lays out flat.

As flat as it can.

Yes.

Right. Okay. So why would you do this?

Because it cooks it faster.

Oh, okay.

Yeah. And you can, you can cook it hotter. And so if you can cook it hotter and you can cook it faster, the skin's gonna get crispy.

It's not gonna be as dried out.

It's sort of like cooking a steak.

Yeah.

You know, so like if you cook it hotter and you cook it faster, the outside's gonna be crispy, the inside's gonna be moist. As long as you can get the internal temperature up to what you need it to be, you can have a much crispier, tastier bird. It's a really great way, and people do it with chicken all the time, like on grills. I mean, you, you buy it like this, right? When you buy like a half bird to cook on the grill, that's how you buy it. It's right, it's like a half spatchcock.

Okay.

But like spatchcocking is just basically the way in which you split it and then press it down flat.

Gotcha.

And then at that point, you can, you can kind of— most people do it on the grill.

But well, yeah, I can see that.

You could do it on like a griddle. You could, you could even— some people even like press it in between 2 metal pieces to like flatten it further. And it's like a deal that you can put on the grill. It flattens the bird, but it also has like wooden handles so you can stick it in, pull it out, flip it.

Ah, this is the one where you can flip the bird.

flip the bird.

Interesting.

Yeah, so yeah, it's a, it's a good one.

Okay.

It's a good one. And, and it allows you— the other thing that it gives you that the other one doesn't, you know, like with a traditional turkey, you'll stuff the internal, right? Some, some people will stuff the bird with like, you know, stuffing or whatever.

Yeah, apples, whatever.

Um, this one you can actually season the interior a lot easier, right? Because you're splitting along the backbone.

Now, now one of the things that the, uh, article that we're using to talk about this. One of the things that it says is this is not like you're gonna put it on the table and slice the turkey.

It's not gonna be— It's not gonna be the pretty presentation.

Not the pretty presentation.

So, but it will probably taste really good.

Sure.

So, but if you've never done it before, you probably want to do a little bit of research, like as to time, because it's going to take a lot less time.

Yeah.

Which it doesn't seem like it shouldn't, but it will.

Okay. No, I'm good with that.

So, all right, number 5, deep fried.

This is probably my favorite way.

This is— I mean, this is kind of like the Texas method around here.

I mean, yeah, it— there's so— I mean, you walk into any sporting goods store around here, even Walmart, they're gonna have fryers on display. Oh yeah, like at the very front, like, please buy this. And most people walk in and go, all right, I'll buy that.

And Like, I think right now you'll pay more for the peanut oil than you will for the bird.

Yeah.

Which is, which is why a lot of people are like, look, hey, I'm frying turkeys. If you guys want to bring your by, let's fry them up.

Fry them all together.

Yeah.

Yep.

Because you can do like 6 to 8 birds, maybe even 10 if you got a big enough vat of oil.

Yep.

Yeah.

It's, uh, so the, again, the, the reason that I don't like turkey has nothing to do with the flavor of the turkey. Because actually my favorite lunch meat is turkey. So if I'm, if I'm gonna have a sandwich, I would prefer turkey over most other sandwich meats.

But I really want to dig into that, but I'm not gonna.

Okay. So, um, but part of it is because a lot of the, a lot of the turkeys, you know, whenever you get sliced turkey or whatever, it's not dry, right? And so the one of the reasons I love deep fried is because You are not going to get a dry turkey if you fry it correctly.

Oh, absolutely.

You know, you're gonna get crispy skin, moist meat on the inside.

It's going to be fantastic.

Yeah.

I mean, you do need to season it. You probably need to do like some butter injections and different things like that. But it's, it's an absolute— I mean, like, this is what I was saying, like, fried turkey is one of my— to me, it's the one that tastes the best.

I agree.

So, but you don't get any drippings.

No, it is definitely not going to give you that. No. And but, you know, if you've got a really— I don't know, I'm fine with it.

Well, I mean, like, here's the thing is like, I've, I've had roasted turkeys that tasted every bit as good as a fried one. Okay. And so it's like, like, I, and I really enjoy fried turkey. Like, I like it a lot, especially when it's seasoned right, and it's fried to perfection. When it's, you know, but I, you know, asterisk on this one. It's also the way that most people get killed on Thanksgiving.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, there's— let's put it out there. If you do not put a frozen bird—

oh my gosh— into a turkey fryer, have you seen the—

you will die.

Yeah. Have you seen the fire? There's, there's something that one of the fire departments went and did a demonstration of putting a frozen bird into a vat of peanut oil.

Yeah.

And so they did it with like a rocket. Yeah, they did it with like a, uh, like a, like, like a fishing pole. They, they put it in there and it just explodes. Yeah, the thing literally explodes. Like about a 20-foot radius of this thing just catches on fire because All the, all the, uh, the oil spills out, immediately catches on fire. It's, it's pretty impressive to watch, but that is not what you're going for because most people do not put their turkey in a fryer with a fishing pole.

No.

You're probably gonna die.

Yeah.

And you're gonna set your, your garage on fire, most likely.

Yeah. So yeah, I mean, you're just gonna, you're gonna, everyone nearby is gonna have third-degree burns.

Exactly. And I actually saw a post on Nextdoor, I think it was yesterday, that said it's time to take your turkey out of the freezer. Like, yeah, thank you for the, you know, public service announcement. Yeah.

And like, I mean, like, you need to check the internal temperature of your turkey before you put it in the freezer.

Yes, you do.

I mean, in the fryer.

In the fryer.

Yeah. So anyway, so frying is one of my favorite methods. I assume it's one of yours.

It is. It is my favorite. method.

Okay, so we're going to move on to my least favorite method of turkey, which is smoked.

Okay, it's funny because this is not one of my least favorites.

I've never had a good smoked turkey. Now, most— to be fair, most of the guys that I know that have smoked a turkey have refused to brine it.

You, you still have to brine it. I, I mean, you— I mean, I say you'd have to, you don't have to do anything. But, but if you want it to come out good, you still have to brine it. And it— and again, I think a lot of people—

People are stubborn, Kevin.

Yeah, I know that. Um, but I, I think a lot of people don't know how to smoke meat.

Yeah.

And if they do, they're used to smoking like a brisket where they're smoking—

They're used to smoking things with a high fat content.

Yeah, exactly. And so you can you can smoke a turkey a lot hotter than you would smoke a brisket, for example. You know, you might do a brisket at 225. You can do a brisket— I mean, a turkey at like 300.

Yeah.

And it's just, again, because it— I mean, it just cooks differently.

Yeah.

You know, so it's knowing how to do it. But here's what's interesting though. I know a lot of people that really love going to barbecue restaurants. I'm one of those people. I'm not one to go get the turkey. Yeah, it's just not my, not my go-to. But I know a lot of people that they will go and specifically get the turkey because it, it's a testament to how good the barbecue restaurant is.

Sure, I think that's fair. I mean, like, the Like Rudy's near us, which is like a chain.

Sure.

But they have really good smoked turkey. Yeah. Now I don't think— I'm guessing, but I— and I'm, I'm fairly certain that I'm right here— I don't think they're smoking the whole turkey. I think they are pulling the breast out.

I think so too.

And just smoking the breast.

I think, I think most people are doing it that way. So, so it, it's— and you're right, it's difficult because you're smoking the whole turkey, and there are certain parts of that, like the wings are gone. Yeah, you, you get nothing out of those. Like, those are just waste, right?

So, well, and so this, this is one of those I was wondering, like, if you did it in like a tin foil pan, if you might be able to get drippings, um, from it. Um, but like, I, I've never been a fan, so I've never pursued it a whole lot.

It's hard, it's hard to get a good smoke It really smoky drippings.

I just don't know.

Well, and it's hard to get a good smoke whenever you put something in a foil pan.

Yes.

So I mean, there's— I would have to think through how you—

I wonder if you could put like a pan like, like in the rack underneath, maybe. Maybe just to catch and like pull out from time to time. I don't know. I've never— like, again, I've never, I've never delved into it just because like I've never had a whole turkey smoked that I've been like This is amazing.

Yeah. Yep. So I can see that.

But moving on to number 7, pieced. So this is actually like broke— break the turkey down into its components and cook them separately.

Yeah, it's much like what you would do. My mom used to cut up a chicken before she fried it, right? Obviously, you know, just cut it up. And yeah, I think it would be just like that. Then you cook it separately. You know?

Yeah. I'm sorry, we just had a comment come in. Can you bring this up? What is it? Yeah, absolutely. This is Robert Turner. He said he smoked 6 turkeys last week.

Wow. So, so, uh, Robert Turner is—

oh, he dry brines them. Okay.

Yeah, he's my brother-in-law's dad.

Okay.

So, um, yeah, and he— this guy, he, um, they—

Okay, so then he, then he used the wings, the neck, and the back for the, for the For the stock for the gravy.

Nice.

Okay.

Yeah, so they, they do a lot of— this family is— it does a lot of like large cooks. So they'll cook, they'll cook a ton of turkeys at Thanksgiving, they'll cook a bunch of briskets for an event or things like that. And so they're really good at, um, at making mass quantities of things.

Okay.

In a large smoker. And, uh, I've had his turkey before, it's very good.

Robert, if you're still listening, I'm actually curious as to what kind of wood you used, because that to me, that makes a big difference.

Well, so where, where he's from, which is West Texas, I'm guessing it's mesquite. Mesquite. That's what I mean. I could be wrong, but I was actually talking to a guy today and, um, one of my relatives as well, who's— who was saying, you know, I'm personally a post oak fan because I'm born and raised in Texas. I was like, So was I. Yeah, but I was born and raised in West Texas where they have mesquite.

So they also have pecan.

Yeah, yeah, pecan's great.

So yeah, anyway, I mean, I—

well, post oak is— post oak is really, really, um—

I know a lot of people use it. I'm not a big fan.

It's Central Texas. Yeah, I mean, that's— if you go to Aaron Franklin's, he's going to use post oak because that's what he has in Austin. I mean, it's post oak.

Don't get me wrong, I mean, like, I'll take that over pine any day, but—

Oh gosh, please don't, please don't smoke anything with the pine, right? It's barely worthy of burning.

Yeah. So anyway, we were talking about end pieces, and, and really, I mean, like, the advantage to this is you can take the different pieces of the— like what we were talking about, where you can pull the breast out and you can smoke that, you can take the leg out, you could fry that, you could— right, you could do it however you really wanted to. Or you can just, you know, butcher it down and cook the whole bird a lot quicker. It's not going to have that table presentation like what you were talking about before. But, you know, you can, you can have a much more tasty bird.

Sure.

And you can have different flavors of the turkey even at that point.

Right. So yeah, I mean, you, you, it gives you the ability to just to, to do it in ways that people can go, I'm going to try that and I'm going to try that. I'm going to try that.

Right. Yeah.

So yeah, I don't really know other than cooking it quicker. I don't know why else you would do it that way if you didn't want to have some different flavors.

I think that's why. I mean, to me in my brain, I'm like, okay, I want to experiment with something. I want to have like an Asian, you know, flavored leg. I want to have an Italian flavored thigh. I want to, you know, whatever. I want to try out some different flavors. Um, so it could be, it could be fun. Uh, you know, this is, this is also how you get those, uh, fun turkey legs at Disney. Which some people love or some people hate.

I, I— here's, here's the thing with the turkey leg at any theme park or, or like Ren Fest or something like that.

Yeah. Um, they're always smoked, aren't they?

Most always smoked. And they smell delicious. Yep. They look delicious. They are not delicious, in my opinion.

It's, it's been a long time since I've had one. I just remember them being really salty.

Yeah, they're, they're, yeah, they typically are. And it's like, and they are juicy enough. And so that just all like drips down your hand and your arm. It's like, how did it get to my elbow?

Yeah.

You know, it's like, it's just the way it goes. So, uh, yeah. So, uh, just FYI. So Robert's, uh, popping back in here. Yeah. He, he uses Hickory. Um, he said he did his homework on YouTube before he made his choice. He let other people be the guinea pigs. So, yeah, that's always the smart way. Yeah. Apparently, uh, Hickory Hickory is a good, a good option.

I'm a fan of hickory.

Yeah.

All right, let's— we're gonna, we're gonna linger on this too long. Say the number 8, grilled.

Grilled.

So I, I don't know about this one, man.

This is one of those that, again, your, your temperature's got to be just right.

Yeah.

And most of the time, if you're grilling something, You're doing it at a higher heat.

Yep.

I mean, unless you are smoking it, it's hard to— it's just hard to do it in a way that it gets fully cooked.

And because I think this is referring to grilling it as a whole bird, and I'm almost saying, you know, you know, if you're not spatchcocking this booger, start over.

Yeah.

Yeah, because I don't know that I would want to grill it like that. No, it just doesn't seem like it would come out as well. But I am, you know, I could be wrong. There's probably a lot of people that might do it. But grilling, I mean, like, again, unless you're spatchcocking the bird, which is something that we already talked about, I don't know I'd want to do it. Sure. I would almost rather smoke it because I think I would come out with a better cooked bird.

I think you're going to get a better flavored bird Although, and the reason I mean, like, I kind of—

yeah, sorry, lost me there for a second. Um, I kind of go back and forth because like, I love barbecue chicken on the grill.

Sure.

But like when it's quartered.

Yeah.

I think that's when it tastes the best. Um, bone-in, all that kind of good stuff.

Sure.

But man, I'm just, I'm very suspicious. I would, I would, I need, I need somebody to tell me I've done this, it's amazing, here's how I did it. I would need somebody to like walk me through that.

Yeah.

So, and I get it, like, you're gonna get crispy skin, you're gonna get that char, and I love that, right? But I just don't feel like it— like, I almost— I'm scared I'm gonna get an undercooked bird.

Yeah, I— and there, there's not a lot worse than undercooked bird.

Nope.

I mean, they call it foul for a reason. It's an F-O-U-L.

Yeah, it will turn the insides of you foul. Exactly.

Well, yep.

All right, number 9, slow cooked.

Slow cooked. This is in a Crock-Pot.

Crock-Pot bird, which, you know, it's, it's a way to go.

It, it is an option.

Yeah.

I've never— I mean, here's the thing, how big is your Crock-Pot?

That's, that's fair. You know, you'd have to have a— I mean, like, either a small bird or a big pot. Yeah, I mean, most of the turkeys that we get for Thanksgiving, they're a fairly sizable bird, right? So yeah, but I, I could see how it could turn out pretty good.

Yeah, I mean, here's the thing. If you use a slow cooker correctly, man, the food turns out really good. Yeah, because you can season this thing up really well.

I mean, would you brine it for a slow cooker?

I would. You would?

Uh-huh. Because I kind of feel like a slow cooker would trap a lot of that stuff in there.

Well, it's probably going to. I don't think I would do as heavy of— I don't— I probably wouldn't go as heavy on the seasoning if I was brining it. Yeah, I mean, I would do maybe a half brine instead of a, you know, full-on, you know. I'd do a— I would do a less sweet tea.

Less sweet tea. Okay.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't— I, I agree with you. I don't think that you would need to put it because you're still going to put seasonings on it and— or in it. And I don't know, I've not done it that way. I would—

here's, here's my big issue with this one, okay? Everyone eats with their eyes first. I can't see a slow cooker bird coming out pretty.

Yeah, it's, it's like—

I think—

have you ever boiled chicken breast?

See, that's— I think it would come out gray.

Yeah.

And I don't— I'm not gonna eat it at that point. Like, I'm gonna have a preconceived notion, like, Like, I don't care. It's gray. I'm not eating that.

Yeah. And here's, here's the other thing. Turkey already has a problem of like falling apart.

Mm-hmm.

I'm afraid if you do it in the slow cooker, it's just gonna like fall apart, you know?

Oh, yeah.

So I don't know. I don't, I don't think—

I feel like you wouldn't be able to like get it out of the dish in order to put it on the plate. Yeah. But you may not want to because it ain't gonna be pretty.

Yep.

But I'm with you. All right. Number 10. Number 10 is the cheater bird. The—

this is the one you do before you do anything else. And it's already made.

Well, yeah, it's the one where you pay somebody else to do it for you. It's the bird you bought already cooked.

Yeah, this is the first cafeteria, the Luby's of, you know, I purchased my turkey from I mean, well, a lot of barbecue restaurants are cooking up tons of turkeys, so it might be a—

that's true.

That might be a way to go if you're gonna go that route. I think I could probably handle it. But you know, if you— where else do you do this? Where else do you—

I imagine grocery stores do precooked turkeys. Um, like some, especially like your boutique grocery stores.

Okay. Yeah, for sure.

Like, like I would imagine Whole Foods Does a lot of pre— pre-made turkeys, pre-made birds.

Here's the thing.

But that's— well, and we're gonna get to one of these other— there's a link to something like this later on.

So isn't, isn't turkey like 79 cents a pound? I don't know. It's cheap.

I haven't looked.

It is turkey. It's not real expensive.

Okay.

But when you turn around and you pay someone $100 for a turkey that you didn't have to cook, That, that ain't right. Well, it's not worth it.

Okay, so I will, I will add this, this little caveat to it because it's our next one.

Okay.

Number 11, which is stuffed with other birds.

Yeah. Well, yes.

So the turducken.

The turducken.

So you can buy a turducken premade from a grocery store.

I would do that all day long.

They're fantastic. Yes.

Yeah. But, but to me, that's different.

It is different because it is different because it's a different level of bird.

It's a different level of bird. There's other birds involved. Like, how, how involved do you want to get in the process? Yeah. Um, so I'm fine with this.

Yeah.

But if you're just, if you're just going, look, I don't want to cook a turkey. And I mean, they're, they're seriously expensive.

I'm trying to look it up right now to see how much they are.

I mean, it can't— I mean, it's just, it's one of those deals where it's like, okay, I get it because people are busy. They really are. And honestly, if you got a, if you got a ton of family coming over and you're just like, look, I don't, I don't, I don't want to go through the, the headache of doing all the prep work, and if you got the money, by all means, go buy a turkey.

Yeah.

So, um, goodness gracious.

So I'm looking here. That's not fair because it's like a full meal. Um, from Goldbelly.

Oh, Goldbelly, you know, the good old Goldbelly.

So you can get a Cajun-style turkey from them for $89.

Yeah.

Um, yeah, you can get a hickory-smoked turkey from them for $89, or you can get an oven-roasted turkey from Harry and David for $99.99.

Yeah, so I wasn't wrong about $100.

Your price— yeah, let's see, does Costco sell Let's see, let's see what Costco does it for.

I, I would assume that like Costco and Sam's have a, have an option. I would think so.

It's hard finding a price here, but, but again, it— I would imagine the price isn't far off.

It's a pretty cheap bird. It's like buying a brisket that's pre-made.

Okay, I mean, which is really expensive.

It's really expensive. And, and again, Maybe you're just a bad cook. And if you're a bad cook, it might be worth it. It might be worth it. You got family coming over, you want to make a good impression. I'm not saying that I judge you by buying one. I think it's dumb to do so.

Have you ever heard the story about the, the wife that was a really bad cook, but that her husband thought that she was amazing?

No.

So what she would do is every night before he got home, you know, she would have gone out to, you know, like a restaurant or something like that. And she would have gotten the food and then arranged it on a plate as if she cooked it.

Okay.

So, but she knew what time he got home. And so every night before he got home, she would just like cut up an onion and throw it in a pan and cook the onion to make it smell like she'd been cooking.

Oh, nice.

And so then she would serve dinner.

Wow.

And he would be like, you're such an amazing cook.

Oh my God.

And he was convinced for like years.

That, that's a smart woman. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, overcompensating, but it worked.

You know, whatever, whatever you got to do.

Hey, I'm fine with it.

So, but like, so I think, I think these 2 are very similar because I don't think most people are going to take the time to make a turducken. If you're having turducken, you're probably going to go to the store and buy it like that.

Well, yeah, I mean, you're— we're— there's not a lot of places you can go buy the individual birds. Oh, right.

Well, I mean, you, you got at our, like, our local grocery store, you can get those 3 birds.

Okay.

Now you might have to like be eyeballing and go, will that one fit in that one?

I mean, it's easy to me. It's the duck.

Yeah.

I mean, duck is gonna be the biggest challenge.

Duck is the rarest of the 3 for sure. But also one of the tastiest.

Yeah, it is. It's a good, it's a good fowl. Yeah. All right.

Number 12.

Right.

Beer can turkey.

Okay.

Which is just another form of grilled or smoked turkey.

Yeah, that's all it is.

I mean, like, I assume beer can chicken is typically smoked chicken. chicken, right? Yeah. Okay, so stuff a beer can up its butt.

Yep.

Cook it.

And, and it just—

you can do that.

Yeah.

Again, I would also recommend brining it before you do so.

Do it.

Although that, that the beer can is kind of supposed to be brining it as you cook it.

Yeah, yeah, that— I mean, that, that's the point, is it's, you know, it's like anything. You put, you put a liquid into something, it's going to heat up, it's going to give off the, the steam and the all Right, right. Does its thing.

We gotta speed up here, remember?

Yeah, we do. We've been talking about this for a long time.

All right, number 13, which I'm— the dumbest one: cooked from frozen.

Yeah, we're not, we're not talking about that one. No one's gonna do that.

Just don't.

Don't do it.

Take the time to thaw your turkey, and if you have a frozen turkey, don't fry it.

No.

So if you cook them from frozen, like, it's just gonna be awful, right? Um, number 14: wrapped in bacon.

Now I'm all over this. Hallelujah! Please give me the wrapped in bacon turkey.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't care if you fry it, you smoke it, you roast it, wrap anything in bacon, I'm eating it.

Smoked wrapped in bacon, that could be really good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm down. I mean, because you— this— one of the things that you're getting from the bacon is that fat.

Yep.

That you're not getting from the turkey, right?

Although I will say, if you wrap it in bacon, I don't know that it would make great gravy.

I doubt it.

So I'm not, I'm not a big fan of like bacon drippings for gravy. Sausage drippings, yes. I don't know why bacon drippings are a no-go for me on that.

But yeah, we do have an interesting comment that has just come in.

Okay.

From your wife that says, I don't need to know how, that is what you're for.

Yeah, that is my role in our relationship.

Well, it is. I just told you that you are a great cook. You don't— you only need one great cook in the family. Yeah, right.

Yeah, baby. I don't do the show for you. All those other morons out there.

She knows that. She's well aware of that.

Just know, just know it'll taste good.

It'll taste good.

Yeah, except we're not going to do this next one, which is turkey in a bag.

Oh yeah.

So which I actually understand the principle. I mean, like, and I think this is not the same thing, but like a sous vide turkey. could be kind of good.

Yeah.

Which is kind of the principle that you're using with turkey in a bag. But turkey in a bag is really just kind of keeping the juices in the turkey.

It's doing what you can to not dry the thing out.

Right. So like, it's for people that don't know that brining is a thing.

Right. Just brine it.

Yeah.

I mean, just do.

Yep. So number 16. my absolute favorite on this list, in a dishwasher.

Oh my goodness. This is similar to smoking a turkey.

Nope.

Only it's steaming a turkey.

It ain't right. That's what it is. I don't care what lemon detergent you're using. It ain't right.

No, it ain't right. But I will tell you this. please take the drying agent out first. That's right.

Your turkey does not need the sheen.

Does not. Well, it doesn't need to be more dry either, but the sheen that it gives is gonna be bad. I will tell you this, um, one of, one of the most fun things I've ever done is I built a smoker out of an old refrigerator.

Okay.

Um, so I— we, we're in, we're in East Texas. It's Thanksgiving and we need some parts for this thing.

Mm-hmm.

So we walk into, uh, this little bitty town nearby. There's like, I think 13 people live there. There's a hardware store and we walk in and the guy goes, hey, can I help you? And we say, sure, we're doing something odd, but we're building a smoker out of a refrigerator.

Mm-hmm.

The guy does not skip a beat. He goes, come here, I know what you need. I was like, we haven't even told you anything more than that. But this guy in this little bitty town, he's all over it. And as we're getting the parts that he knew we need, uh, he tells us, he's like, actually, if you want to know the real truth, probably the best way to, uh, you know, smoke things with an old dishwasher. We're like, what? He goes, the, the racks just pull right out, push right back in. He's already got the racks built in for ribs. You're good to go.

He's not wrong.

No, he's not wrong.

Yep.

Uh, my friend—

Like an old metal one though. I mean, like—

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. But James McAdams, my, uh, my brother-in-law— he's not my brother-in-law, he's my wife's Cousin's husband, but he's my brother-in-law. Yeah, he said he helped me build it.

Wait, I was so Teresa was was thrown in there that she wraps it in bacon, but then it's a tur it's a German turkey.

Yeah, I didn't I had no idea. Yeah, I clueless.

So it's it's super like you know judgmental kind of turkey.

Yeah, it talks really harshly at you. Yeah.

You're putting me in there?

Exactly.

Yep. And my wife just chimed in. Apparently we would— he says you're his brother-in-law.

Is that—

yeah, brother-in-law. Okay.

Yeah, he's my brother-in-law.

Okay.

Might as well be.

I want to make sure and get the titles correct.

Well, he's— yes, it's so much easier just to say he's my brother-in-law. He might as well be. So yeah, so your wife's given other, other reasons.

Parmesan and salt. Yeah, Parmesan and salt. According to my daughter. So I want— going back to the dishwasher one, because it's gross. Um, uh, apparently it was a method developed by Chef David Burke, and he would actually, uh, butcher the turkey and, you know, sort of like we talked about earlier, where you break it up in all these different parts and then put them in the separate Tupperware dishes inside the dishwasher, and it would take like a couple of cycles, but you could cook the turkey that way. And again, like, why?

Okay.

Like, throw the dishwasher away after that.

I can't, I can't use my words right now because I don't think there are any that properly encapsulate what I'm thinking here.

We do not have any details as to the settings.

Right.

Yeah.

Is this the scour settings? Or is it the—

Does it need to be like a heavy cycle? Right.

Or like, like, yeah, is it the top rack only? I need to know.

Heat dry?

Yeah, my, my dishwasher has a Sahara setting for the drying. I don't think you're gonna use that.

No, no, no.

I don't know.

So, and we, we saved the best for last.

Oh my gosh.

And by best, I mean worst.

Yeah.

Um, the microwave.

Okay, so I know how you feel about microwaves.

They are the devil.

Well, according to you.

No, they are.

And I, and I understand your reasoning, although we debunked it a few months back, but that's fine.

We didn't debunk anything.

We did.

It's just stupid.

No. Okay, well, that's your opinion and it's fine. Your opinion is okay. Maybe it's valid. But that being said, what in the mic—

again, seriously, have you ever had anything come out of the microwave? You're like, that is the best thing I ever put in my mouth. And if you can answer yes to that question, then by all means, use the microwave. Otherwise, just get rid of it. It's a cockroach hotel that mildly heats your food or turns it into lava.

I was going to say it turns it into a brick.

I don't know why you need that in your home, but, you know.

Well, what you don't need it for is cooking a turkey. Turkey, right?

Cooking any kind of meat.

Again, how big is your microwave? I promise you, you have taken up way too much real estate in your house to be able to cook a turkey in your microwave.

I have seen some, some microwaves lately that have fooled me because they're part of like a double oven.

Oh yeah.

And I think that they're like, oh, that's another— and it's like, no, that's a microwave. And I'm like, right.

Satan's house. What about like a convection—

what about microwave? A convection microwave?

Yeah, it's like a convection oven microwave type of thing.

I don't know.

Okay, it's more—

is it microwaving it? Then it's out.

I don't, I don't know. I don't know how it works exactly. Yeah, but it works more like an actual oven than it does a microwave.

I mean, if it works like an oven, then I'm, then I'm fine.

Our friend, our friend Micah is putting that in his, um, his bus conversion. He's putting a convection oven in instead of a microwave or an oven.

Okay.